Bipolar: What Works for Me

To my Bipolar friends and those supporting the someone else’s fight,

Comrades? Peers? Partners? Whatever you want to call yourselves. I know this blog gets read by people living with bipolar and I’ve been having a good streak for the last few months, so I thought I would share what I’m doing in case it helps even one of you. I have no idea what part of this actually helps bipolar versus just helps me feel better, but obviously, I endorse all of them (:

Continue reading “Bipolar: What Works for Me”

Remember that it’s okay to leave your house to do something that accomplishes nothing

My bipolar is very depressive heavy and has been ever since I started taking SSRI’s for the OCD. I have yet to figure out a good system (or find someone with an MD that can do it for me). The balance is an annoyingly difficult one to strike. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors and I have always been in a fight because they work too well. They’re supposed to dull the part of my brain that hyper-focuses and gives me anxiety. The only trouble about limiting that range is that it also puts quite the damper on my reward system, so I am rendered literally incapable of feeling satisfaction from anything. It’s called anhedonia, quite the party really. So the obvious solution is then to bring the OCD medications down, right? Not quite. Bipolar symptoms can be set off by stress. Living your life worrying about your theoretically locked door, your friend’s neutral expression 2 hours ago secretly indicating she hates you, or how you can subtly touch something one more time because you noticed your previous total amount of touches was an exponent of 2 and now your palm feels wrong is exhausting. Caring so much about things that can obviously go wrong is stressful. Que the cycling.

And so the medications go up and go down and I get to be even more depressive than I normally am. This is all to say, I spend a lot of time lying in bed thinking about all of the Important Things I should be doing, feeling the terror of task ahead – which I overinflate even further due to the fact that I feel the need to perform tasks perfectly once I start them, and then continue to lie in bed because I don’t feel ready to do anything I just thought of. I don’t let myself do anything else smaller because I am painfully aware there are the Important Things I must  do first. Not that I do any of them. I just lie there, paralyzed by the tasks and letting them grow ever more intimidating the closer I get to deadlines. I don’t do anything small, and I don’t do anything big. Continue reading “Remember that it’s okay to leave your house to do something that accomplishes nothing”