Update

In summary: everything I can control is going great, and everything else sucks.

Continue reading “Update”

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What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi

It’s finally over, I think. I hope.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi”

What happens when you skip Lithium, the sequel

You thought it was over, didn’t you? I did too.

I am now going on hour 35 since I’ve slept. I don’t feel tired. Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium, the sequel”

What happens when you skip Lithium

Your blood levels and the amount hanging out in your brain gets real wacky. Not a fun kind of wacky. I really screwed up this weekend. I’ve been feeling fine for over a week now. I was even doing work early. I was on top of my shit. Then I just forgot to take it two nights in a row, and I’ve killed my sleep pattern lately. I might have even been a touch manic last week. I don’t know.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium”

About a friend

I just wrote this poem about a very close relationship I had with a friend when I was 15-17. It was really complicated, for reasons that will become clear soon. I loved him like a brother. I also feel like this is a relevant post for this blog to help better explain the roots of one of my various mental illnesses. There is a significant comorbidity of trauma for people who have OCD and this plays a part of mine. If someone spent anywhere near the 4 years of my life being close only with a series of people who taught them they were worthless and pathetic, it wouldn’t be a shock to have those same fears and judgements stuck in your head for years to come.

You should not do this unless you want your body to be hit with a bolt of lightning
He says
Which is really only a problem if you’re scared of lightning Continue reading “About a friend”

Remember that it’s okay to leave your house to do something that accomplishes nothing

My bipolar is very depressive heavy and has been ever since I started taking SSRI’s for the OCD. I have yet to figure out a good system (or find someone with an MD that can do it for me). The balance is an annoyingly difficult one to strike. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors and I have always been in a fight because they work too well. They’re supposed to dull the part of my brain that hyper-focuses and gives me anxiety. The only trouble about limiting that range is that it also puts quite the damper on my reward system, so I am rendered literally incapable of feeling satisfaction from anything. It’s called anhedonia, quite the party really. So the obvious solution is then to bring the OCD medications down, right? Not quite. Bipolar symptoms can be set off by stress. Living your life worrying about your theoretically locked door, your friend’s neutral expression 2 hours ago secretly indicating she hates you, or how you can subtly touch something one more time because you noticed your previous total amount of touches was an exponent of 2 and now your palm feels wrong is exhausting. Caring so much about things that can obviously go wrong is stressful. Que the cycling.

And so the medications go up and go down and I get to be even more depressive than I normally am. This is all to say, I spend a lot of time lying in bed thinking about all of the Important Things I should be doing, feeling the terror of task ahead – which I overinflate even further due to the fact that I feel the need to perform tasks perfectly once I start them, and then continue to lie in bed because I don’t feel ready to do anything I just thought of. I don’t let myself do anything else smaller because I am painfully aware there are the Important Things I must  do first. Not that I do any of them. I just lie there, paralyzed by the tasks and letting them grow ever more intimidating the closer I get to deadlines. I don’t do anything small, and I don’t do anything big. Continue reading “Remember that it’s okay to leave your house to do something that accomplishes nothing”