Letter from the past

CW: abusive relationships, PTSD, rape

I got a letter today from my abusive ex-boyfriend, J. I’ve blocked him on everything possible, and he finds me on fucking LinkedIn. I just wrote and a deleted a sentence about how shitty it is that on my good streak, he comes back and how I cannot catch a break. But I don’t really feel that way. I feel lucky that this is happening now. I couldn’t imagine having this hit me a month ago, I bet I would have begun to cycle within the first 12 hours of reading it. Hopefully, I still don’t start. I feel OK right now.

One of the primary triggers of my episodes is stress, and I would definitely call my PTSD stressful. My whole world feels more dangerous suddenly. Cars seem closer to me when I drive, men who look my way slightly too long make me shake, every creak and shadow in my apartment is a burglar who will kill me. Every time I’m in public my imagination is 10 steps ahead of my thinking brain and I can’t stop picturing every man I pass suddenly turning around and stabbing or grabbing me. I can’t turn it off.

I never went through experiences where I feared for my life, but I spent four years perpetually fearing anger and violence. I could never predict what would set him off. At the time, I believed that was because of what J told me, that I was dumb and immature and a bad girlfriend and if I were better, then none of that would happen. It was all my fault, I made him angry and I was so lucky that he put up with me.  Continue reading “Letter from the past”

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What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi

It’s finally over, I think. I hope.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi”

About a friend

I just wrote this poem about a very close relationship I had with a friend when I was 15-17. It was really complicated, for reasons that will become clear soon. I loved him like a brother. I also feel like this is a relevant post for this blog to help better explain the roots of one of my various mental illnesses. There is a significant comorbidity of trauma for people who have OCD and this plays a part of mine. If someone spent anywhere near the 4 years of my life being close only with a series of people who taught them they were worthless and pathetic, it wouldn’t be a shock to have those same fears and judgements stuck in your head for years to come.

You should not do this unless you want your body to be hit with a bolt of lightning
He says
Which is really only a problem if you’re scared of lightning Continue reading “About a friend”