Letter from the past

CW: abusive relationships, PTSD, rape

I got a letter today from my abusive ex-boyfriend, J. I’ve blocked him on everything possible, and he finds me on fucking LinkedIn. I just wrote and a deleted a sentence about how shitty it is that on my good streak, he comes back and how I cannot catch a break. But I don’t really feel that way. I feel lucky that this is happening now. I couldn’t imagine having this hit me a month ago, I bet I would have begun to cycle within the first 12 hours of reading it. Hopefully, I still don’t start. I feel OK right now.

One of the primary triggers of my episodes is stress, and I would definitely call my PTSD stressful. My whole world feels more dangerous suddenly. Cars seem closer to me when I drive, men who look my way slightly too long make me shake, every creak and shadow in my apartment is a burglar who will kill me. Every time I’m in public my imagination is 10 steps ahead of my thinking brain and I can’t stop picturing every man I pass suddenly turning around and stabbing or grabbing me. I can’t turn it off.

I never went through experiences where I feared for my life, but I spent four years perpetually fearing anger and violence. I could never predict what would set him off. At the time, I believed that was because of what J told me, that I was dumb and immature and a bad girlfriend and if I were better, then none of that would happen. It was all my fault, I made him angry and I was so lucky that he put up with me.  Continue reading “Letter from the past”

Do I ever get to be okay?

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m just a fine person who takes medication three times a day. I’m fine.

The pills are just a thing I do right now, they aren’t real to me. They aren’t potent little bombs on my brain chemistry. And yet, there I was, hot and cold and seeing stars with my head over a toilet this morning, unable to move.

It turns out if you try to take a missed dose or two at once, withdrawal and uptake at the same time can be a bitch. Reality took the form of a cold shower over full clothing as I groaned on the floor and asked myself, “do I ever get to be okay?”

What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi

It’s finally over, I think. I hope.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi”

What happens when you skip Lithium, the sequel

You thought it was over, didn’t you? I did too.

I am now going on hour 35 since I’ve slept. I don’t feel tired. Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium, the sequel”

What happens when you skip Lithium

Your blood levels and the amount hanging out in your brain gets real wacky. Not a fun kind of wacky. I really screwed up this weekend. I’ve been feeling fine for over a week now. I was even doing work early. I was on top of my shit. Then I just forgot to take it two nights in a row, and I’ve killed my sleep pattern lately. I might have even been a touch manic last week. I don’t know.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium”