Letter from the past

CW: abusive relationships, PTSD, rape

I got a letter today from my abusive ex-boyfriend, J. I’ve blocked him on everything possible, and he finds me on fucking LinkedIn. I just wrote and a deleted a sentence about how shitty it is that on my good streak, he comes back and how I cannot catch a break. But I don’t really feel that way. I feel lucky that this is happening now. I couldn’t imagine having this hit me a month ago, I bet I would have begun to cycle within the first 12 hours of reading it. Hopefully, I still don’t start. I feel OK right now.

One of the primary triggers of my episodes is stress, and I would definitely call my PTSD stressful. My whole world feels more dangerous suddenly. Cars seem closer to me when I drive, men who look my way slightly too long make me shake, every creak and shadow in my apartment is a burglar who will kill me. Every time I’m in public my imagination is 10 steps ahead of my thinking brain and I can’t stop picturing every man I pass suddenly turning around and stabbing or grabbing me. I can’t turn it off.

I never went through experiences where I feared for my life, but I spent four years perpetually fearing anger and violence. I could never predict what would set him off. At the time, I believed that was because of what J told me, that I was dumb and immature and a bad girlfriend and if I were better, then none of that would happen. It was all my fault, I made him angry and I was so lucky that he put up with me.  Continue reading “Letter from the past”


Do I ever get to be okay?

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m just a fine person who takes medication three times a day. I’m fine.

The pills are just a thing I do right now, they aren’t real to me. They aren’t potent little bombs on my brain chemistry. And yet, there I was, hot and cold and seeing stars with my head over a toilet this morning, unable to move.

It turns out if you try to take a missed dose or two at once, withdrawal and uptake at the same time can be a bitch. Reality took the form of a cold shower over full clothing as I groaned on the floor and asked myself, “do I ever get to be okay?”

What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi

It’s finally over, I think. I hope.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi”