Letter from the past

CW: abusive relationships, PTSD, rape

I got a letter today from my abusive ex-boyfriend, J. I’ve blocked him on everything possible, and he finds me on fucking LinkedIn. I just wrote and a deleted a sentence about how shitty it is that on my good streak, he comes back and how I cannot catch a break. But I don’t really feel that way. I feel lucky that this is happening now. I couldn’t imagine having this hit me a month ago, I bet I would have begun to cycle within the first 12 hours of reading it. Hopefully, I still don’t start. I feel OK right now.

One of the primary triggers of my episodes is stress, and I would definitely call my PTSD stressful. My whole world feels more dangerous suddenly. Cars seem closer to me when I drive, men who look my way slightly too long make me shake, every creak and shadow in my apartment is a burglar who will kill me. Every time I’m in public my imagination is 10 steps ahead of my thinking brain and I can’t stop picturing every man I pass suddenly turning around and stabbing or grabbing me. I can’t turn it off.

I never went through experiences where I feared for my life, but I spent four years perpetually fearing anger and violence. I could never predict what would set him off. At the time, I believed that was because of what J told me, that I was dumb and immature and a bad girlfriend and if I were better, then none of that would happen. It was all my fault, I made him angry and I was so lucky that he put up with me.  Continue reading “Letter from the past”

Bipolar: What Works for Me

To my Bipolar friends and those supporting the someone else’s fight,

Comrades? Peers? Partners? Whatever you want to call yourselves. I know this blog gets read by people living with bipolar and I’ve been having a good streak for the last few months, so I thought I would share what I’m doing in case it helps even one of you. I have no idea what part of this actually helps bipolar versus just helps me feel better, but obviously, I endorse all of them (:

Continue reading “Bipolar: What Works for Me”

What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi

It’s finally over, I think. I hope.

Continue reading “What happens when you skip Lithium: Return of the Jedi”

We pick and choose things from the past, dusting off the context, and tell ourselves this is our narrative.

So it begins…

To be honest, I’m not entirely clear why I’m making this. I suppose that’s clear from the name of this blog though. I want a record for me of everything that’s happening, I guess. Of this adventure that is my alphabet soup of mental conditions. Continue reading “We pick and choose things from the past, dusting off the context, and tell ourselves this is our narrative.”